Reading you is a relief, you put into words what I felt but couldn’t express. It’s always nice to know I’m not alone. It’s nice to know you can get through it.

Where are all my friends? I can’t get into anything. I skim the surface. I am tired.

I thought I found my love. Turns out I’m still fickle. Or lazy. I don’t know.

Please listen, please…

I can’t even make sense now.

I’m eating but I’m not full

I’m eating. I’m buying. It doesn’t satisfy. I just spent an hour looking at beautiful people, I want to be beautiful too. What am I saying? The eyes that burn, the whole day. I may be losing it, come on geddit together. Will this plague never go away? I thought I’d never be lost again.

Soulmate

My hands smelt of him after he crushed them against his torso. He commented that they’d become rougher. He’s the first person to have said so, I’d always suspected. It’s because I have to wash them so frequently now. I’m well over him now.

I think I have found my soulmate. He’s a good person, likes to cook, a gentleman, not materialistic, patient, and likes to climb mountains. And did I mention… He rides a motorbike?

Little kindnesses

I will miss you, with your Stephen Chow humor and little kindnesses, like giving me ridiculously light things to buy. Thank you for casually mentioning that he likes the tarts. Thank you for smiling and frowning at me and making me laugh. Thank you for the recipe. Thanks for teasing me about ghosts and laughing at my jokes. You cut the most perfect cake slices and mille fuilles I’ve ever seen. I like your silly smiles. Someday, sometimes, I want to be just like you, but maybe a bit taller.

On second thought, I don’t think I’ll miss you too much. You’re much better in person than my memory can paint you, since I won’t be seeing much more of you your memory is already starting to fade. What’s 2 months compared to 5 years? Thank you for passing by.

Vulnerable

All along during the absence of you, what I’ve missed the most is having someone to be vulnerable in front of. You were, by far, the only person whom I could say everything and nothing to.

So, is that love?

Pain

You, with the pain and the darkness.

You, with the open heart. At least, I think so.

You, who loved and was left behind.

You, with the pain. But it’s too much for two people.

Even if it was a leaf

You once told me you’d treasure anything I gave you, even if it was a leaf. I gave you a blue gemstone, then. It was the color of the deep end of the sea on a blue-skied day. There were brown spots inside.

You shouldn’t have said that. I was young, and foolish, and did not think properly. Maybe now, if I gave you a leaf, it would have meaning. Now, and not then.

But you are no longer here for me to give anything to, not even a leaf. Perhaps it is because I can think properly now.